Back from Space

It has been over a year since I've reviewed my blog.

My good ole catharsis. Now that I'm sitting before my screen, watching my words appear letter by letter, I feel it. I finally feel it.
I miss writing.


One year. Learnt a few things in that time.

Acceptance: I have come to love. Falling less in love with Love, and more with the person.

Humility: More "Sorry". Less "But".

Admittance: I think too much. I am spoilt. I am self-centred. I am wounded.


I do not have all the solutions. And not everything needs an answer.



But the best thing I took with me in that one year is learning how to listen.
Just listen.
No interruptions. No proving the person otherwise. No unsolicited advice.
Just listen.



I am learning everyday.

Like No Other

Three years ago, I met a girl I took an instant liking to:
Spunky hair, cheeky smile and a style only unique to you,
You have stood by me through every laughter and tear.
And now three years later, you have become a friend so dear.


With a heart big enough to embrace and accept my mistakes,
And put your own pain aside, so as to soothe my heartaches.

With a mind strong enough to walk me through the rain,
Through the cold torrents, till the sun shines again.


A woman with the heart of a little girl deep within,
A woman who truly stands for what she believes in
A precious soul, and an extraordinary mind, it is no wonder
You're really the best Nu Ren in the world ~ a friend like no other.

More Than Everything is You

More than a beautiful mistake
Is the man who makes my heart unbreak.

Tenderly, you piece back my soul.
You make me happy. You make me whole.
You find warmth where there is only cold.
You bought back the heart that was unwillingly sold.



More than a beautiful mistake
Is the man who puts his heart at stake.

Stoically, you try to hide your own pain behind.
No matter how hurt - loving, patient and kind,
All just to make sure that I will be fine-
Even with everything to lose, your heart is on the line.



More than a beautiful mistake
Is the man I want to see first thing I'm awake.

The man so mature, yet has his inner child.
The man sometimes tame, sometimes wild.
The man with the one-dimpled smile.

The same man who makes my life all worth while.





More than everything to me is you, my baby..

Here

Here I am

On a bitter cold night in a strange foreign country,
And there's no warmer place I know I'd rather be.
All because I have you snuggled right next to me.



Here you are

Eyes closed and soft cheeks pressed against my beating chest,
I kiss your head, smell your hair- and my heart is left to confess
To have never ever felt more peaceful and blessed.



Here we are

In our own little world, safely hidden under a blue blanket.
Where only two people exist, cut off and isolated. Yet,
We've never been so sure and our hearts are set:

To live a life with the one you love - to live without regret.

For the Love of You

Here I stand before you, without a shield-
Like a child left in an open field.

To drop my defenses, down by my clothes,
I bare you my soul, with my skin exposed.

My skin is flawed with the marks you leave.
In these scars, are my reasons to live.

And on my heart, you leave an engraving,
Of your name, like the one inside my ring.

With every tender touch and every kiss,
You imprint on me a state of bliss.

My heart soars across star-lit skies
Everytime I look into your eyes.


In taking that blind leap of faith, with no safety net,
I would plunge over and over with no regret.

'Cause I'd rather feel the heartache through and through,
Than to never feel what it's like to be loved by you.


I once thought love was a trick of mind,
An illusion, impossible to find.

But since I met you, I began to see,
That love is real - it's in you and me.

Quater-Life Crisis

"How is it possible," They ask,
"That girl with her whole future ahead,
Kills herself over the failure of a single task?"

A task ever so simple: Live and be happy.
To love. To serve. To birth. To be of worth.
To sleep when tired. To eat when hungry.

"How is it possible," They ask,
"That girl cannot find meaning to live,
And poisons herself, wearing a mask?"

If You had a Choice

Would you choose to live your life as being mentally stable?
To lead your life as desired- the sheer power of self-control.

A 'Mentally-Able'.


Or


Would you choose to live your life outside sanity's border?
To lead your life beyond the humanly highest- and lowest.

A 'Bipolar Disorder'.

To a Great Man I Call : DAD

When I was a little girl, you were my superhero-
Infallible, even after life’s hardest blow.
Through my childhood, you were my building block,
You created my foundation and anchored it like a rock.

When I felt strained by life’s complexity,
Your firm presence gave me deeper security.
Hence, in the face of adversary I did not surrender,
And you kept me from crumbling under pressure.

Words fail to describe how stoic you are:
A quality that shines like the brightest star-
Especially in the darkest and gloomiest night.
Through life’s hardest, you remain the light.

I know you will always be there, through the good and the bad.
Any man can be a father, but it takes a great man to be a Dad.
To me, you will forever be the best Dad in the world.
And I will forever be, your little girl.

At first I wrote for need to know,
That Somebody out there understood me.
Now I write back to show:
I understand That Somebody.

Sorry

Of my sorry, I speak:


I'm sorry to bring you rain
Of tears down your sunshine cheeks.

I'm sorry to cause you pain,
To pass my wounds to bleed for me.

I'm sorry to have scarred you
And have caused irreversible agony.

I'm sorry to leave you blue,
And take away your life colours.

I'm sorry I am beginning to wither,
Like your Valentine flowers.

I'm sorry I taste bitter.
With no sugar-coating to cover.

I'm sorry to take it easy,
And build my own end to damn.

I'm sorry I am not able to be
Who I pretend I am.


With every throb that aches for this mistake.
I am sorry. So ever sorry.

Jenny

Jenny will be going away today.
Guess that's the price she has to pay
For staying too long.
When she doesn't belong.

She learnt the hard way.
You know what they say:
'Diamonds don't glitter when it's dark.'
All that's left on her finger is the ring's mark.

Now she's left without a place.
No place to hide a tearful face.
She stayed hopeful. Hoping-
Even when she saw it coming.

Jenny will be going away today.
To a place far, far away.
Where she'll relive time.
In the sweet escape of her mind.

Tomorrow will come,
And life will be undone.
And all Jenny's left with is to embrace
The Great Disgrace.


She admits that it's too late to admit.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you, "She, Her"

Audience audience! Please, please.
Take a seat, feel at ease.
It's going to be a long show.
So best be at the front row.

The curtains are drawing up.
There she stands, with a small cup.
She smiles like a sweet fool,
And tells you that it's half full.

Her casts are make-believe.
They come, and they leave-
Transposes to her whims,
But vanishes as the spotlight dims.

But the show sometimes has to end.
In lightness, the casts her friend,
In darkness, her cup half-full, disappears,
And instead is filled with her terrified tears.

But the true magic to her genius
Lies in the fact that she is completely oblivious-
To the stage. To the audience.
To the actor that is her very self.


The world's her stage!
Her life- a page
Written over,
No cover.



So she acts her life away... ...

... She knows no other way.

First there were Questions, then there was You

QUESTIONS:

If love turned one blind to true colours,
Would that imply grey areas in our reality?

If we were two halves that were meant to complete each other,
Then were you half-heartedly in love with just a part of me?

Would I have treated you like my brother,
If we were in love without superficial infatuation and lust?

If you gave me your everything as my lover,
When I lose myself, hence all that you gave, who do I trust?



YOU:

You made me see that there's more to life than black & white,
And loved me even when I was off-coloured.

You had the power to love me whole and mend me upright,
Simply because you were complete and assured.

I would never let you go without a fight.
You were a stranger I fell in wildly in love with.

You will always be my guiding star, my light,
By my side, a worthy reality, not a hero's myth.


I LOVE YOU!

And

And I will carry this scar that traits me.
The invisible bruises that wound unconsciously,
The gentle afflictions, the beautiful transference-
Her bleeding heart, open slit; and his sullen violence.

And I will carry this hunger that nourishes me.
The ravenousness that fed their lives cruelly.
The very hunger that consumes, only to kill.
The ache that throbs the heart to a standstill.

And I will carry this burden that oblivions me.
The weight that staggers the urge to burst free,
The sly blind that so kindly twists perceptions,
Leaving me protected behind my screen of deception.


And yes, I will carry these with the same passion,
The same zeal, the same obsession.
I will not complain. I will not retaliate.


Simply because I refuse to relate.

Plight of the Confused Poet

I am cracked.
Nuts over fruitcake.

I am fruitcake.
Over-cracked nuts.

Nuts cracked.
I am over fruitcake.

Cracked over fruitcake.
Am I nuts?

Fruitcake nuts.
Cracked. I am over!



Nuts I over am fruitcake cracked.

Dedication

I like you and I'd like you to like me.
But I've been damaged and little raw.
So maybe with a lil' make-up you will thaw,
Along with pretty lies- I'll be yours for free.

We'll play dress-up and make believe.
I'll be all that you want to me to be,
From your Mama to your fantasy,
I'm everything that deception can achieve.

Everybody lives for love.
I'll live my life for you. My love will stay true.
I'll hug and kiss you till your lips go blue.

And when you leave me,
I'll bring us to the heavens above.

Little Jane

Like everybody,
Little Jane has a happy family.
She loves her Mummy and Daddy.
And Mummy and Daddy love her,
So does Big Brother and Big Sister.

Her childhood was like any other kid:
Wild and free.
Happy.

Of course Little Jane had her unhappy days.
"Those were bad days" she says.

But she'll always make herself happy again,
Like how the sun will shine after the rain.

Nobody ever sees Little Jane crying.
Little Jane always sees everybody smiling.

"We should always be happy"



Yes, Little Jane is all grown up now.
She has a happy man and a marriage vow.

She has four happy chilren.
And from her, they will learn
how to be forever happy!

Just like Grandma and Grandpa,
Like Mama and Papa.



Little Jane is so happy.
She's so happy now.

Look at her cutting the fruits so happily.
I think the kids are hungry.

Look! The apple's looking redder,
So does the orange pulp.
And the banana has got red syrup.

O, Little Jane, you've been careless again!

I think you've accidentally cut yourself
With that sharp knife from the kitchen shelf.

And you've hurt your wrist and neck again!



Oh well, never mind.
Accidents happen all the time.



Just don't forget to wash the fruits!






... ... And they lived happily ever after.

Maybe

Guess life isn't a movie after all.
No such thing as a fairytale ending.
Just playing superheros- we still fall.

Sometimes it feels like sweet heaven sent,
Then we go head on back to hell again.
Paying for the good time party. Love on rent.

The infatuation stage's been kissed goodbye.
We're loving till the point of sickness,
Double dosage of that natural high.

Leap of faith. Have we landed on the right side?
Feels like we're still falling- no safety net.
Don't even know if we're on the same tumbling ride.

There are times when we just want to walk away.
It seems like there's no point. Love hurts too much.
But second chances- love advances at the end of the day.


Maybe we'll hit rock bottom.
Maybe we'll hit sky high.
Maybe this will all be forgotten.

But I guess we'll never know.
So maybe we should take it slow,
And let our love grow.


Just let our love grow.

You

Bleached tears wash down your waxen cheeks.
O your torrent of anguish speaks
To acid hearts- no sympathy.
The inconsolability.

Demands. Everyone just demands.
So alone, no one understands.
All oblivious to your agony.
The inconsolability.

Altruism. Solve the world's problem.
You can change them. You can save them.
Maybe then they'll understand slightly.
The inconsolability.

You see what's wrong with everyone.
You see how they've come undone.
You see how misunderstood you are.
No one's misery is up to par.


Will you ever be happy?

Hopefully.






The inconsolability.

Hands

Hands. Rough to the touch.
From the toil, hardened.
Now a tightened clutch,
Grips the bag- moth eatened.

Callous fingertips
Close tight the frayed holes
Of the bag's old rips.
The bag is now whole.

Coarse palms. Etched with lines,
Support the fragile base.
The sagging outline
Follows the palms' trace.

Hands. Stiff and weary,
Hold the bag with tender.
Gently they carry,
With all they can render-


The small bag of Hope.

Please

Misery, oh beautiful Misery,
How your seduction leaves me spellbound.
I've lost myself. Without you, I feel ugly.
I'm living off you. I can't feel the ground.

Misery, oh beautiful Misery,
How my heart aches at your gentle caress.
I feel your passion burning inside me-
Scorching me alive to screaming numbness.

Misery, oh beautiful Misery,
Insatiable hunger for hell's sorrow.
You relish the taste of pure agony,
Leeching into my soul. As I die, you grow.

Misery, oh beautiful Misery,
Leave me alone. Please don't take him away.
I'm weightless now. Cold and almost empty.
Just leave me with my one last love-


Oh my Misery, don't take him away.

Please.

There will be a day, when I let down my guard.
That little secret: one-sided sorrow.
One day, you will see the truth. The facade.
And I will say goodbye for tomorrow.

Dear Faith

Dear Faith,
You've been on a long vacation.
Hidden in a faraway location.
I think it's high time for you to come back.
Before you completely loose the home track.

Dear Faith,
I know you've been kind of stressed.
I heard life played you up and you were oppressed.
But hey, you've got your break now. It's enough.
I need you bad- before life gets too tough.

Dear Faith,
Please come home. Don't give up on me.
Yes, I failed you, but it was that once only.
Come home pretty Faith. Come home my guardian.
Give me a chance. I'm only human.

The Beauty of Transference

I see You. You remind me of my Parents.
I see You. I wish my Parents are like You.
I see You. You are Me. I am my Parents.
It is all just simple Transference so true.

I am using You as my replacement.
It is a cycle of substituting displacement
Of unresolved conflict, aggression and dependence.


Oh, the beauty of Transference.

Till love makes everything right

When nightmares wake you crying,
I will give you dreams to sooth
Your fears, and all that's frightening
Till we have gone through the night.

When darkness leaves you blinded,
I will hold you as I guide
Your way, and the path winded,
Till we have found the first light.

When life breaks your spirit,
I will take you in my soul.
Together our hearts will meet,
Till love makes everything right.

Till we have gone through the night,

Till we have found the first light,

Till love makes everything right.

Just Laugh

First smile, then grin.
From a chuckle, laugh.

Just laugh.

Smile. In the face of frustration.
Smile on. Look back not in anger.

Grin. When you meet with depression.
Keep grinning. Be sad no longer.

Chuckle. When you get useless aid.
Chuckle more. When life just gets rough.

Laugh. At death. At the dying. The dead.

Just laugh.

Acceptance is Not Giving Up

Acceptance is not giving up.
Martyr, you helping the hopeless
Will not make you any less weak.
Accept: sometimes life is a mess.

Acceptance is not giving up
Martyr, solve not the world's problem
When you're already a mistake.
You can't understand. You're not them.

Acceptance is not giving up.
Martyr, you are only human.
Give up playing God, it's futile
Learn to accept the foresaken.

She Said

She said we've grown up, she loved us enough.
She said she was tired, everything's too tough.
She said she was ill, both body and mind.
She said she was hurt, They should've been kind.
She said Daddy was a bad man. Bad. Bad!
She said the thought of him made her so mad!

No one heard her spoke-

So she slit her throat.

Still

She was always taught to obfuscate.
Now she's left alone to suffocate.
Silence. I watch her, movement so still,
I watch her, drowning at her own will.

I watch her- watch her as she watched them.
In silence, in calm, as the doors slam.
The two doors never opened. Shut out,
She shut herself up. Learnt to live without.

She sees me. She's silent. I watch her.
Slowly she sinks. Ripples on the water.
The surface is still again. Flawless.
Once more unaffected by the caress.

If Love is God

Dear Angel, Soldier of God. Your golden shield breaks.
Dear Angel, Corrector of God. Mend my mistakes.
Dear Angel, Consoler of God. I need solace.
Dear Angel, Witness of God. Be my saving grace.
Dear Angel, Executor of God. Have mercy.
Dear Angel, Messenger of God. Pray, set me free.
Dear Angel, Son of God, I am starting to fade.

Dear Angel, if Love is God, fall- you are Dead.

I Bleed Easily

I'm afraid. Unravel me slowly, pray.
My mask unveiled. The smoke screen blown away.
I stand before you, unclothed- bare skin cold.
I've come undone. Helpless, no longer bold.

It's cold. So cold. Hold me my saving grace.
I have nothing- save your sweet, warm embrace.
Raw wounds, hurt me not when you handle me.
Hold me. Be gentle. I bleed easily.

A leap of faith, I'm learning how to fall.
Let my voice fall not on deaf ears when I call.
Angel, fold me in your wings. Hold me tight.
Soften the hard blows, make my burden light.

I'll no longer flinch at your tender touch.
No longer in the corner will I crouch.
Heal me, my wounds are eating me alive.
Without you as my shield, I will not survive.

Prayer

Angel, come back to me,
I will be good. I swear.
Angel, don't turn your back,
I've sinned- the burden you bear.

Angel, my salvation,
Without you, I'm undone.
Angel, fly not away,
I can only just run.

Angel, lift me back up,
With your wings, I can soar.
Angel, I am sorry.
Pray, punish me no more.

Run

~ Run! Run Run Run Run Run Run.
~ ~ From the Monster. From the dark.
~ ~ ~ Run Run! As fast as you can.
~ ~ ~ ~ Lest Fear leaves its fatal mark.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Run Run Run! Don't ever stop.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Each step will take you further.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Run Run Run Run! Dont look back.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ You know she's not your mother.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Run Run Run Run Run! Oh god!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The Monster's so close, so close.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Run Run Run Run Run Run! Help!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ I can feel the Monster's nose.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Run Run Run Run Run Run Run!

Where am I?

Back at square one.

The Perfect Marriage

They were the perfect marriage!
No one ever did question,
Her love or his- though different.
The perfect example of the opposite attraction.

He at work, the dominant,
Stoic and the hot temper.
She at home, the submissive,
Mild words, loving and tender.

Yes, they had their arguments,
He was worn-out, she was sick,
But they faced the world with smiles
They never once did wash their dirty linen in public

They were the perfect marriage!
No one ever did suspect-
One by madness, one by insanity,
Even in deaths - so perfect.

Girls Don't Cry

Don't cry little girl.
Good girls don't cry.
Hold it back little girl.
I know it hurts, but try.

I feel your pain little girl.
Oh, the wordless ache.
I know it hurts little girl.
I know the toil it can take.

Don't worry my little girl.
There will come that day,
You'll be happy little girl.
When life taken will take the pain away.

I Think?

I think I think too much.

Yes. I think so.

I think I'm right in thinking that I think too much 'cause I really do think too much.

I think so much that I think I'm not thinking,

when I'm actually thinking about Thinking.

I think Think is a thing that makes you think too much about things.

So you end up thinking that you're thinking of something,

When you really are just thinking of nothing.

I really think I should stop thinking...

...I think?

Only Because of You

Only because of your dimple,

I’ve discovered your adorable smile.

I’ve discovered true affection is simple.

Only because of your brown eyes so dreamy,

I am simply seduced and spellbound,

Entranced by your magic and mystery.

Only because of your kiss,

I’ve tasted life’s lil' secret.

I’ve tasted sweet bliss.

Only because of your caress,

I’ve been to the heavens of ecstasy,

From pleasure words fail to express.

And yes ~ Only because of you,

I’ve finally found my one true love,

And you will always be my beau.

The Beautiful Quote

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa